Microsoft Goes Retro, Embraces Telegraph for “Unparalleled Speed”

Microsoft's telegraph comeback

In a stunning move that is sure to disrupt the tech industry, Microsoft has announced it will abandon modern digital communication methods like email and messaging. Instead, the company says it will revert to using the 19th century telegraph system to ensure “unparalleled transmission speed.”

“We’ve tried everything – fiber optic cables, 5G, emails, Teams, you name it. But we’ve reached the limits of today’s technologies,” explained Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella. “The telegraph allows us to exchange vital memos and messages faster than ever before.”

Microsoft has already begun installing crisscrossing telegraph lines between all of its office locations. Thousands of employees are being trained to operate the text-transmitting electric devices and decipher the dot-dash coded messages.

“With the telegraph’s rapid click-clack cadence, our workforce’s productivity will soar,” Nadella stated confidently. “Just watch, we’ll make a dot-dash-dot-dot-dash comeback like you’ve never seen!”

Industry analysts remain highly skeptical of Microsoft’s contrarian new “BlitzTelegraph” strategy, but admit they’ve been wrong before.