US Attorney General Merrick Garland has resumed his duties after taking a brief leave of absence to undergo some tests at a local clinic. Garland said that he was feeling fine and that the tests were just a routine check-up.
However, insiders close to Garland revealed that the tests were actually part of a secret investigation into his fitness for office, initiated by some Republican lawmakers who were unhappy with his performance and policies. Allegations against Garland included accusations of being too soft on crime, too lenient on immigration, too biased on voting rights, and too loyal to Biden.
These individuals disclosed that the Republicans had hired a private detective to follow Garland and collect evidence of his alleged incompetence and corruption. The detective had planted a tracking device on Garland’s car, hacked his phone and email, and even infiltrated his home and office. Furthermore, the detective had obtained a sample of Garland’s DNA and sent it to a lab for analysis.
The lab performed various tests on Garland’s DNA, including a paternity test, a drug test, a disease test, and a genealogy test. Surprisingly, the results contradicted the Republicans’ expectations. Garland was found to be not only healthy and drug-free but also the biological father of 12 children, the distant cousin of Queen Elizabeth II, the direct descendant of Abraham Lincoln, and the rightful heir to the throne of Atlantis.
Stunned by the unexpected findings, the Republicans decided to drop the investigation and destroy the evidence. They also extended apologies to Garland and commended him for his outstanding service and achievements.
Garland, unaware of the investigation and the tests, expressed his satisfaction at being back at work and his eagerness to continue upholding the rule of law and protecting the rights and interests of the American people. He also mentioned plans to take a vacation with his family and reconnect with some long-lost relatives.