Turkmenistan Tests Tortoise-Speed Internet

Turkmenistan's Snail-Fi

In a world where speed is king, Turkmenistan has boldly defied convention by unveiling the world’s slowest mobile internet service. Dubbed “Snail-Fi,” the service promises to deliver web pages at the breakneck pace of one pixel per hour, revolutionizing the way citizens procrastinate.

The launch event, which started last week, is still buffering, with excited onlookers eagerly awaiting the appearance of the first email header. “It’s about the journey, not the destination,” explained the Minister of Technology, while a single photo slowly loaded behind him.

Users have reported a range of emotions from mild frustration to zen-like tranquility as they watch web pages crawl across their screens. “I clicked ‘send’ on my email and had time to learn the violin before it went through,” shared one proud new Snail-Fi subscriber.

The government has touted the service as a way to encourage mindfulness and patience in the digital age. “In the time it takes to download a song, you could compose your own,” the state-run newspaper boasted, in an article that’s still downloading since Tuesday.

As the international community watches in bemused silence, Turkmenistan’s tech pioneers remain steadfast. “Who needs 5G when you have eternity?” they proclaim, as a single tweet from last year finally goes live.