In a surprising campaign announcement that has both supporters and critics puzzled, former President Donald Trump has pledged to “make America great again by making it offline again.” Speaking at a rally in Rust Belt, USA, Trump outlined his vision for a disconnected America, should he win the 2024 presidential election.
“Folks, we’re going to build a great, great firewall. And guess what? The internet’s going to pay for it,” Trump declared to a crowd of supporters, many of whom were live-streaming the event on their smartphones.
The proposed “American Disconnection Act” would gradually phase out internet access across the nation, starting with social media platforms. “Twitter, Facebook, TikTok – gone. We’ll bring back good old-fashioned face-to-face arguing at Thanksgiving dinners,” Trump explained.
Economic advisors scrambled to justify the plan, with one stating, “Think of the productivity boost when people can’t watch cat videos all day.” Meanwhile, tech giants responded with a mix of panic and disbelief. Mark Zuckerberg was reportedly seen frantically googling “How to pivot Meta to carrier pigeons.”
Critics argue that the plan would cripple the economy and set the nation back decades. However, Trump insists it would create jobs, citing the potential boom in town crier and Morse code operator positions.
The announcement has led to an unexpected surge in library card applications and a run on encyclopedias at yard sales across the country. As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: in Trump’s vision of America, “You’ve got mail” will once again refer to the postman’s arrival.