France Says Au Revoir to Croissants

In a shocking move, the French government has announced a ban on croissants, the iconic pastry that has been a staple of French cuisine for centuries. The ban, set to take effect next month, is part of a new health and environmental policy aiming to reduce obesity, diabetes, and greenhouse gas emissions.

According to the official statement, croissants are deemed ‘too high in fat, sugar, and calories, and contribute to the deterioration of the health and well-being of the French people’. The statement also argues that croissants do not align with the authentic French culture and values, citing their origin from Austria in the 17th century. The government urges citizens to replace croissants with healthier alternatives, such as baguettes, cheese, and wine.

The ban has sparked outrage and disbelief among the French public, particularly among bakers, who fear losing their livelihoods and traditions. Many have protested in the streets, waving croissants and chanting slogans like ‘Liberté, égalité, croissanté’ (a parody of the well-known phrase ‘Liberté, égalité, fraternité’) and ‘Je suis croissant’.

Criticism has also come from the international community, seeing it as a violation of human rights and cultural diversity. The United Nations condemned the ban as ‘a grave threat to the freedom of expression and gastronomy’, and called for an immediate reversal. The European Union threatened to impose sanctions on France if it should not comply with EU regulations on food safety and trade. The United States expressed solidarity with the French people by sending humanitarian aid, including croissants.

The French government defended its decision, claiming it’s ‘in the best interest of the nation and the planet’. It also warned of severe consequences for those opposing or violating the ban. The ban’s impact on France’s social and economic fabric, and whether the French will ever enjoy their beloved croissants again, remains to be seen.